Ladies, an important quiz to see if you are a London tube fool:

1. When you come to a turnstile, you:
a.) Swipe your valid travelcard correctly, pass through and move on, getting out of the way of the people behind you.
b.) Walk into the turnstile without swiping shit, get clotheslined, then stand there for a second looking really confused, say something really smart like, "Huh!" then remember that you need to use your travel, and dig in your bag or purse to find it.
c.) Go through a giant stack of empty travelcards, swiping them all and then throwing them on the ground, because surely someone threw a brand new 30 day travel in that pile that you picked up next to the bin.
d.) Swipe your card and walk through, then slow to a crawl and look in every direction like Chicken Little for a few seconds or fumble to put your card back in your purse so everyone behind you has to wait for you to stop being an idiot.
e.) Swipe the same EMPTY card over and over even though it says "Insufficient Fare" on the display.
f.) Swipe your card incorrectly over and over. Either rip it through like the pull-cord on a lawn mower or slide it through painfully slowly over and over and over to ensure that the turnstile cannot read it. If you don't swipe it fast enough that it gets hot, you didn't swipe it hard enough.
g.) You swipe a credit card or library card of some other stupid shit that isn't even a fucking travelcard at all. (Seeing someone actually do this is what inspired this entire entry)

2. When you come to a narrow stairway you:
a.) Walk up or down and move on, getting out of the way of people behind you.
b.) Stop before it, blocking the people behind you, and gawk at it for a good 5-10 seconds to make sure that it's really stairs and not a hologram over a deep pit filled with spikes.
c.) Stop before it and start going through your purse to make sure you have all the necessary supplies for climbing stairs.
d.) When you get about halfway up the stairs, inexplicably stop dead in your tracks for a few seconds. When people start trying to get around you, resume at a snail's pace - just fast enough that they can't really get around you, but slow enough to let them know that you are controlling the pace of everyone on the stairs. When doing this, ensure that you are at least somewhat in the middle of the stairway laterally so you cause an effective bottleneck.
e.) Carry your gigantic baby stroller that takes up the entire width of the stairway so nobody can go around you in either direction. Be sure the baby is in the stroller as you do this because that is totally safe.
f.) Go up or down, then when you reach the landing, stop dead in your tracks at the end and look in every direction like you're completely confused while huffing and puffing because going up ten stairs has taken every ounce of your strength and you can go no further.
g.) Walk right in the middle of the stairs as slowly as possible as though you plan to savor the experience for the next 45 minutes. For additional points, talking on your cell phone while doing this will add to the fury of the people trying to get around you.
h.) Bring a friend and walk up excruciatingly slowly side by side rather than single file. Be sure to have a conversation while doing this so you can occasionally stop dead in your tracks to look at them and go, "NO WAY! GET OUT!"

3. When you're en route to the train platform and find that the train is actually in the station, you should:
a.) Try to pick up the pace and catch it before it leaves, or at least get out of the way of the people behind you who are trying to catch it.
b.) Continue to walk as slow as possible, stop in the middle of the stairway, look at the train while blocking everyone behind you, then when people try to push past you, stop, turn around, stare at them while still blocking them from getting to the train, and maybe for bonus points demand that they say "excuse me."

4. The doorway of the train:
a.) Is for (get this) getting on and off the train.
b.) Is a great place to stand and there is no reason to move a muscle when the doors open so people can go through them. If people push you to get through since you won't get your arse out of the way, they are arseholes.
c.) Should always be held when they start to close so that idiot standing at the end of the stairway looking in every direction or finishing his phonecall on the payphone has ample time to come out of his dumb trance and casually stroll to the train.
d.) Should be entered and exited as slowly as possible. Once passed, you should stop dead in your tracks and look in every direction for a few seconds so nobody can get on or off as you try to figure out what day it is and where you are.
e.) When entering the train, immediately stop right inside the door. Do not get a seat or move towards the middle. Doing so might let the dozens of other people behind you actually get inside the train. "Excuse me" means "Goodbye. Have a nice trip. Too bad I can't come too."


If you said A everytime, you may contact an honest boy moving through the underground and life. Otherwise, please, please go away.

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